Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
