so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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