I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
