Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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