I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
