saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
