That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
