Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
