it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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