I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
