Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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