just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
false alarm, still single
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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