Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
