There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
