So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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