my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
