I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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