I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
