I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
