she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
