I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize