Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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