What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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