I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The beer is more important than you right now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
