nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
