the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
