My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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