a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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