I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
