He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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