is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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