Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
