Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
