i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
