....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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