I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
