At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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