I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
