Having a random hookup so left but love u
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
