After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
