I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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