I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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