I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
send nudes
from the living room?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
