Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
