Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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