you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
