the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
