The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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