the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
