So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
