I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
