Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
