ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
