I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
