It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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