why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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