FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
