Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
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If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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