Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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