I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
