Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
