i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
