Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
