At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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