I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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